Musings

Back To The Grind

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 15:21:00 -0500

I don’t know what it is that makes me stop writing. But when I look back a few years, I notice a pattern. I see that I’ve written different blogs, about different things, feeling different ways, seeing from different perspectives. Life is about change, and sometimes we lose that in the pursuit of our own comfort.

In the past I’ve written about writer’s block. It’s as if the well of creativity just dries up and leaves nothing. I refuse to be discouraged by this any longer. It is a test of resolve, and a journey to renewal.

I wish that everything I wrote down was profound and full of meaning. But it’s not. I wish I could embrace my artistic tendencies and create true masterpieces in the form of songs, stories, and poetry. But I can’t. I wish I had maintained discipline long enough to craft story after story, day after day, year after year. But I didn’t.

Sometimes the best thing is to stop wishing and just ‘do.’ Sounds like the catchphrase in a cliché motivational poster, but I mean it in a different way. It means more because it’s personal: it’s a challenge. Because writing these words isn’t about who reads them (if anyone ever does), it’s simply about writing them. Putting thoughts into words, words into sentences, and sentences into some coherent structure that lends itself to a theme or meaning.

So, if for no one else but myself, I will renew my dedication to creating. To writing songs that drip with passion. To creating a story that I get lost in. To expressing metaphysical thoughts and desires. We can’t always know, but we can always wonder.

I will never allow the curiosity of youth to be outdone by the reality of life. I don’t just mean the ‘reality’ we hear about: “the real world is tough. challenging. cold. cruel. unjust.” Fill in whatever word you want, it doesn’t make it a universal truth.

Life is what we make it. I never want to forget to make it for myself instead of just waiting.

Untitled Note

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 09:50:00 -0500

Sometimes life is like an Untitled Note. Hear me out on this one.

Let’s think about all the times that you couldn’t quite remember the heading, but the filler was golden. The moments in between that carried all the meaning, the meat on the bones, so to speak. That’s the beauty of the thing: you can’t just explain these moments in words. You can’t put a title on everything, on every little moment you experience, but a lot left unnamed remains of utmost significance. To you. And probably only you, right? Don’t be so quick to make that assumption.

What limits are there on each person’s experience? Namely, it is their own, and only theirs….but there is more to it. We are connected through our humanity. Race, heritage, culture: these are all social constructs created by the ONE race. ONE humanity. But does this connection mean that we will all ride into the glorious sunset together, happy and content and singing songs of togetherness? No, and we probably never will. But that doesn’t take away from what is, it just shows us how things are. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t all one, it just proves that discord and imperfection do exist. After all, the world isn’t without its share of problems, and we as fallible creatures virtually guarantee it will stay that way. Is that a sign of giving up? No. To me, that is the joy of acceptance, the contentment in the imperfections, the happiness with what is….and what cannot be adequately defined or summed up.

Which brings me back to my point. Too many people put all their hope in some particular event or time in life. Graduation, marriage, career promotion, buying a house, etc. These “worldly” desires are supplemented by hopes for afterlife, greater treasures and rewards beyond this world, etc. But could it be true that while we look ahead to “titled” milestones, we miss some of the more valuable untitled moments? Some of the moments that might not be worthy of the history books, but they sure as hell are meaningful to us individually.

I would like to think that some of my most interesting memories and stories start off as an Untitled Note. Because it gives you the freedom to decide what the title becomes, and how the story unravels. I’d rather lack the title until the moment is through. Until it defines itself, not until I define it from the outside. I envision an organic progression through life, one that is not hampered by the need to meet some norm or status quo at a particular interval in time. One that is strictly defined by the lack of a strict definition. That may sound like an oxymoron, but think about it.

"I arise in the AM torn between a desire to save the world & a desire to savor the world. That..."

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 09:52:19 -0600

“I arise in the AM torn between a desire to save the world & a desire to savor the world. That makes it hard to plan the day. -ee cummings”

7 Billion And Counting...

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:14:00 -0600

Sometimes, when presented with a unique situation, you experience unusual emotional pairings in your life. What I mean is, you may feel at peace, and content with self-identity…yet still a little sad. Or you might be happy and optimistic about the ‘big picture,’ but still pull an Eeyore with attitude or personality. We allow these feelings to shape how we appear and act.

I think a part of it is that we are human, each with our own identity and struggles. I wrestled with that statement for a long time, because I figured in a world of almost 7 billion people there’s gotta be some similarities to each person’s experience out there. People move all the time, people get different jobs. People finish school all the time, people start new degrees. The list goes on and on and on….and by the end of it, you wonder how unique we really are.

The journey for identity is a lifelong venture. Although I think I know myself now, I wonder what 35 year old Jonathan would think of my contemporary self. Would he be proud? Optimistic? Or worse….disappointed?

A couple of weeks ago I went through my old writings. From blogs dating back to when I was 16 (xanga anyone?), to stuff written a year or two ago, I got a glimpse of the same man, but with much different priorities. It was a little difficult to read some of what I had written at 16, because there HAS been a lot of change between then and now.

Maybe I was just a teenage boy growing up. Maybe I know a little better now. And I’m sure that would be a decently fair assessment. But I think I also know that, no matter where I’m at, there will still be more growth and change ahead.

So I think the phrase “staying true to yourself” goes two ways. Never be afraid to be the ‘quintessential you.’ But also, be open to letting your experiences teach you new things every day.

Ramblings Of A Frustrated Writer

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0600

Here it goes again. I feel the urge to write, to get my thoughts down in coherent fashion, yet I’m at a loss for focus. Thoughts consistently barrage me from all directions, but there’s no thread….

In the college days, I might attribute this to attention-deficit. Now I know better and am concerned that it’s just a lack of inspiration, of material, of things that I can actually mold into some form of expression. As I meticulously improve my craft, I find myself focusing more and more on ability, and less and less on creativity. Where’s the flawless union of the two? When is the ability to “do” intertwined with the ability to “see?”

That’s what art is to me. It starts with a vision. You have to see beyond the obvious, beyond the mundane, beyond the routine. And that can be a challenge. Either you accept the fact that others will contribute, or you get off your ass and contribute yourself.

So maybe all I need is a pep talk. Maybe all I need is to write down these thoughts, however disjointed, and make sense of the mess. Because out of that will come something beautiful.

It’s not just the vision. It’s the confidence that, whether or not your vision will fulfill anyone else, it will fulfill you.

Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:36:27 -0600

Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

Restlessness.

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:39:46 -0600

The old feeling, shrouded in apathy, struggles to make itself known. It wants to control, to manipulate, to deceive the inner self. And many times it succeeds. “There are too few hours in the day,” says Apathy. “You just don’t have time.”

But it must be fought off. It must face resistance. Or else the day will come when you look back and realize that there WAS time, you just didn’t utilize it. You allowed the anxiety and stress of routine to completely choke your ambitions. Mediocrity becomes the norm; the ‘norm’ itself is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Normalcy is overrated…why do we feel the need to fit in?

Each one’s journey is unlike any other. So treat it as such. Live it in a way that YOU are proud of…..don’t let others tell you that there is a formula for life. There isn’t.

That’s the great failure of humanity…we are always looking outward to find meaning, never realizing it within ourselves.

“True religion is real living; living with all one’s soul, with all one’s goodness and righteousness.” -Albert Einstein

The Departure.

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:53:13 -0600

And, as quickly as the moment is here, it’s gone again. You are left wondering if it ever came at all. Was it all just a dream? If it was, would you even want to know?

This week has sure seemed like one hell of a dream. I feel as if I’ve been walking in another person’s footsteps. It’s been as much of living in the moment as it has been living in the past. But it’s been worth every moment.

The challenge is making the next moment the one you want to live in.

The Return.

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:17:24 -0600

It is a wonderfully odd feeling knowing that you are about to embark on a journey. There is the anxiety and the excitement, all bundled together in one confusing package. There is the desire to make memories that will last a lifetime.

I am preparing for a cross-country road trip to return home to Texas. Having been gone almost 5 months, I’ve noticed many things about myself that I may not have seen had I stayed. So many, in fact, that I can’t help but be curious about what kind of emotions my return will elicit from me. Will I feel the exact same way I have felt in those places over the last 15 years? Or will it be a fleeting reminder of the past?

From grade school, to middle school, to high school, to university, to now….all of it has seemed as a forced progression into the future. But now, everything seems open-ended. The choices I make are not predetermined, but instead are made on a day-to-day basis. You find yourself asking, what do I want to do with this week? This month? This year? How can I make it stand out, and more importantly, how can I be satisfied about my own personal growth?

My trip may not answer all of these questions, but it will shed some light on how I have grown since I’ve left. I can hardly wait to see my friends, family, and my old home. But I can’t help wondering, what will I learn about myself while I am there?

Maybe that’s part of the adventure….not knowing, but finding out as we go.

Photo

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 23:42:53 -0600

Spotlight.

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 09:27:13 -0600

Ohhh, I cannot adequately describe the feeling.

From the darkness, I step onto the stage. Turning back, I am blinded by the beaming, hot light. Soon I will be sweating….but I won’t even notice.

There is an unperturbed calm, a barrier between me and everyone out there. The lights cue, and it becomes my time. Time to share, exclaim, be overwhelmed, and bask in the moment. This is the time I have waited patiently for, over and over and over again.

I can feel the eyes on me, but I cannot see them. I cannot see much of anything, for only the embodiment of my past and present stands before them. I myself am looking toward the future. I am living in the space between these moments. What was, what is, and what will be.

And as quickly as it begins, it all ends. The rush of the moment, the complete immersion into my internal expression, ends the exact way it began.

With silence.

Oh yes, there is noise. There is always noise. But it cannot penetrate the background. It is muffled, a sound I barely even register. I am in a different place.

A place I always yearn to visit. Over and over and over again.

Inspiration....Take Two.

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 19:43:41 -0600

I’ve spent a fair part of the last four or five years wanting to always feel inspired to do great and passionate things. I’ve met people who have revolutionized the way I view life at every step. I could not say that I understood the development of who I became, or the imperfections in my triumphs, and my failures. But I began to learn to love the chapters of my life’s book for what they were…distinct moments in time, beautiful and complete.

I don’t know what the next year will be like for me. I couldn’t tell you where I will be in a year, or what I’ll be doing. I knew this year was big for me. And it was. It was an outpouring of change after a comfortable few years. It was precisely because of the moments I’ve gone through that I consider this year a success. Not all of them were good, but many were.

I am beginning to understand who I am becoming. I always want to grow, but I want to recognize myself along the way. I want to be the person that I stay truest to.

Every challenge is worthwhile because even in the hardest of times, the next chapter is going to see a stronger protagonist. One who is going to challenge himself and make the rest of the story worth telling.

The Song Of Life

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:02:00 -0600

The morning creeps up with the sunrise, but quickly fades from life. As I watch the glaring horizon, the dusk swallows it whole. It is waiting, always lurking.

An afternoon of ecstasy, followed by a bitter cup of black tea. That is how I remember the first day. Nothing more to see, nothing more to do. I must be alone, or perhaps I am with you.

The night comes on a little too strong, even for the child who knows of love.

“The Song of Life,” they one day will sing. But by then will it be too late? What will time bring?

Reawakening.

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 09:07:00 -0600

What does it take for one to harness inspiration and turn it into creativity? Is it just passion and desire? How does one overcome stagnation in their creative output? These are questions I’m asking myself lately.

I find myself sitting down to write, whether it be a story, a blog entry, or a song….and I wonder why sometimes nothing comes up. It’s almost a forced process at times. Why can’t I effortlessly churn something out? Some days I can….why not right now?

I need to stop asking why, and just do it. Keep at it until something works. Write write write and write some more. You’ll be hearing from me…

Winter's Bittersweet Love

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:53:04 -0500

As the vibrant colours slowly dissipate and fade away, I am reminded of a time when there was only gray….

The sky, trees, and land all know the same. It’s nothing more than conformity, a cruel change of which I am ashamed.

But there is hope yet, even as the chilling mist rises from the stillness of the lake. It’s as if the land is to say, “we accept our fate, and we will be okay.”

I know there is a time when the colour will return. The rebirth of life itself, for which my heart always yearns.

Until then, we say farewell, my friend. May you slumber and rest, for this is not the end.

Photo

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 13:54:54 -0500

"Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration,..."

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 08:25:00 -0500

“Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration, and this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like you know, “water.” We came up with a sound for that. Or, saber tooth tiger right behind you. We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we’re experiencing. What is like… frustration? Or, what is anger or love? When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person’s ear, travels through this byzantine conduit in their brain through their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I’m saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They’re just symbols. They’re dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It’s unspeakable. And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another and we feel that we have connected and we think that we’re understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it’s what we live for. -Waking Life”

This Is The Blog That Never Ends...

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 08:56:00 -0500

This is one of those times when I’m just going to start writing with nothing in particular to say. I’ve traditionally believed that those writing sessions don’t yield anything productive, but I can think of countless examples of a stroke of creativity when it is least expected. You always have to be alert and ready.

I’ve been thinking about reigniting my passion for a lot of things over the past few months. I’ve hit a standstill with writing new music, for instance. Sometimes I’d rather sit and wait for inspiration then go out and find it. And I guess that’s something I’ve taken issue with. We can’t sit around and wait. Life is full of inspirational moments, but you have to allow yourself to be overcome by them. To be swept off your feet and know that no matter the outcome, the journey will be beautiful. There is so much depth all around us, we just have to open our eyes and see it.

I preach this approach more than I live it….isn’t that always the way of life? Do as I say, not as I do. But I take the time to say these things because I do believe in them, because I do see the potential in opening up our minds to the bigger picture. There’s beauty in simplicity, but there’s also beauty in the complex, the unknown. I think it’s time for me to let go of anything holding me up and just dive into the adventure.

Change We Can Believe In

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 10:33:00 -0500

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about social change lately. Maybe the catalyst for these thoughts has been the Occupy movement, which to me is part of a new era of social protest. Social media like Twitter and Facebook has changed the way we perceive everything, from news, current events, and social justice to uprisings and revolutions. The ‘Arab Spring’ has gotten the entire world thinking about the longevity of any establishment, any status quo. People are remembering more than ever that they can have a collective voice, and are rallying to make their voices heard.

But what is the most effective way to do this? In the case of the Occupy movement, whether or not you agree with what they are doing I think it’s hard to deny their basic premise. They are claiming that the 1% controls and has a monopolistic influence over the political, social, and economic culture. Corporate greed IS a problem, regardless of how you think it should be dealt with. This issue HAS been a catalyst for a lot of the problems we’ve seen in the economy. In my mind, it’s hard to deny those statements. I think when people get defensive, they are attacking this idea that people are asking for hand-outs, or unwilling to work hard to make end’s meet. I think the issue is more deeply rooted in the fact that such a minority should not control everything that has much more relevance for the majority.

However, I do question the effectiveness of leaderless movements. I think the whole point of the Occupy movement is to undermine the corporate power structure, so to have a set leadership would undermine the very thing they are protesting. But are we ending up aimlessly following the masses’ opinion of the day?

I don’t personally believe that direct democracy could ever work in today’s society. That’s my opinion, and I think the flaw a lot of people make is to state opinion as fact. But the reason I think this is because I don’t feel the general public is very well-informed. Not because they are incapable, but because they don’t want to be. They are interested in voicing their complaints, but the majority are passive and unwilling to act. Don’t like taxes? Fine. Voice it. But don’t ask for lower taxes and in the same breath ask for increased government programs. All that does is create a political landscape full of promises that could never be kept.

I’m all over the place in this post, but I think what I’m trying to get at is the fact that there needs to be some sort of goal-oriented behaviour in order to affect social change. It’s not enough for me to say that I disagree with the status quo. If I’m not going to get out there and try to do something about it, then it’s futile for me to complain. Sometimes social movements need a visionary, but this person also needs to understand the feelings and motives of who they represent. I would assume it’s a tricky balance.

We must always be optimistic that we CAN have a voice. That it can matter. But it’s also important to find out what we can accomplish, what a unified front can do. Most of us want to make a difference, but we can’t without trying.

So try.

As You Wish.

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 14:04:15 -0500

As You Wish.